6:50 am on Tuesday

Kudos to WordPress, the new site is awesome.  I don’t have a lot to say… well, that’s a lie.  I have too much to say, but I don’t feel like saying it.  Or, I haven’t made sense of it. I will say this, though… I’ve been feeling awfully funky lately.  I say that to mean I was feeling incomplete and sad.  Yeah.. I was.  And, that is not to say that I’m feeling better now, because my feeling of ‘better’ is at best slight.  BUT, I wrote a poem which made it’s way into two — and I find it therapeutic to get these things out.  So, here it is (they are):

6:50 am on Tuesday

Part I

 

My eyes will burn with the magic of you

Her eyes – are – magic

And you,

You are magnificently mystical.

A treasure among emperors…

…a magician among thieves.

You are insufferable, intolerable

And, I love you –

I’d imagine.

If it were a dream we’d be full

of?

We’d be full.

As it were yet, we are here

– separated

but, entwined.

Across an unmanageable sea we are gazing.

 

Part II

 

A magician, you are

I’m sure.

You see?

Mystical creature from far away –

I love you.

I loved you once, and I’d say it again

I love your color, and your hair

I love your fingers.

And your smell

…your tragic bite.

You and I are together.

Together we are,

immaculate.

You are my shimmer

My sparkle

My gleam

and,

I love you.

I’ve not yet known you

I hope to know you once,

My love, my partner

My one

I love you. 

Until ‘I Am,’ here I am

I started this blog for three reasons:

You, again?

1. An Exercise: aliciaenvivo is, for the most part, anonymous. Though, obviously my name is [alicia]. I wanted to see if it would be possible to describe one’s life and one’s self without actually giving the key to either. I also wanted to see if my “what” and “who” even mattered at all. If you know me, great. If you don’t, even better.
2. For Fun: I wanted a place that was all my own – a Neverneverland so to speak. A place where I could post what I wanted, when I wanted, if I wanted.
3. A Test: I’ve been pondering my next step for some time, and I thought spending some time creatively might be a useful outlet.

It seems like every day lately I am trying to be brave. I must be brave because I am getting close to what I have always wanted, and that is scary. If I were to be honest, I probably could have arrived to this point a long time ago. But, I was too afraid. I believed in everyone and everything, but never in myself. So, I ran looking for the sun. I kept looking for the knowledge of others hoping that I wouldn’t have to discover it on my own.

I don’t like looking at myself which is consistently baffling because, conversely, I can be kind of vain. But really, I get incredibly anxious when looking in the mirror. I could start to explain the feeling to you, but I’m pretty certain that I spent time on this last post. Long and short of it is: Anxiety Sucks. Knowing this, when I am forced to accept that my answer lies within me the last thing I want to do is get personal.

On the flip side, the braver alicia has many thoughts on fears and anxiety. She thinks they happen when she doesn’t want to listen to herself. I’ve realized that it happens when I’m trying to shut myself off from what I’m feeling. In many cases, this is the fear of “what will happen if…”

My singular exodus from the lands of alicia worked for quite some time. I ran to a couple of different countries and jobs, but once the high of travel wears off at some point you have to come home. And alas, whether you look hard enough or not at all you’ll find out sooner or later that you’re still there.

This is how you find me now. This is also where this blog began. It was the point that I realized I was going to have to face myself and my place in this world. This seemed taunting. More importantly, however, it seemed like it would be exhausting. I don’t like to be tired. But, there is a point where the “monkey on our backs” gets too large to ignore. You have to face the music. I’ve had to face myself.

I could spend the next couple of paragraphs talking about what I will do, and how I will do it better. But, I don’t want to. I’ve just decided to, in general, do my best. The world can take it or leave it. You can take it or leave it. But, I’ll say this: My heart feels suddenly quiet when I come to this conclusion. So, I’m going to go along with my instinct, and assume that it’s right.

T’was as ’tis always, a pleasure.

-aliciaenvivo

Rumbling and Grumbling Right Before the New Year

I’m about to attempt something very audacious.  I am planning to compose this post, curl my hair, shower up, and look pretty within the next hour.  I am notoriously tardy.

Yesterday I tweeted that I would deliver a post within the next 24 hours – this is the only reason why I am writing right now, though my plans for the subject matter have changed considerably.  I had originally thought to piggy back off of an article that I read the other day entitled, “planning for the future, not futility” – or rather, something to this effect. (I do not even have the time to Google the title properly given my current time constraints.)  At any rate, here I am writing “off the cuff” from a moment of deep reflection.

I am a person vast in contradictions.  I love to be seen and often embark upon moments of intense honesty, yet I can be reclusive and sometimes hate to face or tell the truth.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and yet I am notoriously difficult to get to know – I am notoriously secretive.  What’s more is that I almost rarely ever operate off of anything but inspiration.  This is one of my favorite personality traits; however, it is also one that causes me the most headaches as, despite its seemingly romantic notion, I am sometimes left ill-prepared.  It also means that I frequently lose interest, and my commitments float about atop any tide that catches my sea’s fancy.

I am also incredibly sensitive.   Behind a very confident public masquerade lies one of the most silly-sensitive people you may ever come across.  I loathe the moments where it feels as though I am constantly looking over my shoulder, and this seems to happen a lot.  Yet, hear me when I say that I am incredibly tough.  I am cynical, yet fantastically gullible!  Basically, like many, I am an individual that is simply trying to work out their innards.  Did I mention that I can be slightly obsessive?  I sometimes pause to find myself seeming to live within my mind and heart more so than as a member of the “real world.”

So, this brings me to this moment writing to you – telling you earnestly about myself.  Growing up has been so hard for me to do, as I sometimes find no interest in what [growing up] has to offer.  But, to some measure I admit that it has to be done.  I am simply an idealist trying to determine my ideals, march to my own beat, and adhere to my sense of self in a greater society where it can be difficult to do so.  And, even when it seems that I’ve discovered my “certain truth” I am frequently left to find it uprooted or rocked by my own hands in the next day — mea culpa.

But, why admit to all of this?  Why say all of this?  I don’t know, it must be the fact the New Year is upon us.  I am making some pretty significant changes in 2012, and I am just buzzing about wondering what the outcome will be.  I am seeking to live out a dream that I do not fully understand, or know yet, but have decided to carry through nonetheless.  And, I’m nervous because it might all come true.

I’m sorry that I can’t tell you what “it is,” or who I am.  I am not ready to do this.  I just want to be aliciaenvivo, living in an anonymous playground.

I hope your New Year’s festivities are wonderful, and I thank you sincerely for taking the time to read this post which I have edited sparsely.  Please forgive any shortcomings you may identify.

Peace and Love to you in the first few of 2012.  I hope we rock this one out.

aev

Note to Self: Be Who You Say and Who You Want

Maybe someday I’ll grow up, someday.  But, I don’t want to — not today, and certainly never tomorrow.

I want to be an artist is all.  That’s what I want to be.

I won’t apologize, I refuse to.  I won’t.

aev says RAWR!

a stunning look at africa

I ran across these two sketches on a friend’s blog the other day, and I just think that they are spectacularly beautiful.  So, I thought I’d share.

 

love to ya.. and Happy Holidays!!!

-aev